Loss Unexpected

Just a couple blog posts ago, I reflected on a silly high school memory with one of my friends, Jade. Two weeks after it was written, I learned that Jade unexpectedly passed away. As more and more of our friends find out, I feel the loss weigh on me more as the repetition of the event becomes even more real: my friend is gone.

If I'm being honest, part of what makes this so difficult to process is that for most of my life, I thought I would die before big milestones such as turning 18, 21, going to college, and getting my graduate degrees. I've struggles with clinical anxiety and depression for as long as I could remember. I never worried about losing people in my life because I thought I'd be the first to go. Most people have told me I'm wrong when I talk about these dark premonitions I've had. It made sense for my grandpa and grandma to pass away before me. But having a friend my age pass away has been different.

Growing up, we shared many laughs and shenanigans together. In high school, we were lucky enough to sit together for our 12th grade English class, where we joked about essays that compared us to chairs, planned trips to Panda Express to film videos reviewing their delicious but fatty foods, and bullshitted a project on parallelism, which we barely understood until the end of the year. We also got to have stats together, where we could joke about our teacher watching us like a vulture watches the desert floor for dead carcasses.

Out of many of our friends, she was definitely one of the cooler ones. She had an eye for beauty and passion for fashion and design. For one Halloween, I agreed to be whatever my friends decided should be my costume. Jade was the one I got ready with on that Halloween night. The costume had many names: Snookie, Haras, the Anti-Sarah. It was heels I could barely walk in, a tight, short cheetah-print dress, and over-the-top make-up and poofy hair that Jade's cousin did for me. We missed trick-o-treating (yes, we still did this in high school. candy is good.), but we had plenty of laughs about my ridiculous costume. In 8th grade, she put together fashionable outfits for me and our friend Lea to wear during the last day of school. For prom, she ditched the traditionally revealing dresses for a black and white blazer outfit with a fishnet hairpiece. She wasn't afraid to stand out, and she was beautiful.

Homecoming Dance 2011: Lauren, me, Jade, and Dalissa (left to right).

Jade was 30 years old and has a young daughter. As someone who never wanted kids, I was a bit stunned when she invited me to her baby shower. She was still funny and cool. Having a kid didn't change that about her. I attended a couple of her daughter's birthdays before I moved to get my graduate degrees. She was one of the first (and will probably be the only) people to trust me with a baby. Her daughter was the first baby I ever babysat, with the help of a friend who had more experience than I did. I learned how to change a diaper and keep her daughter fed, happy, and safe. I didn't repeatedly play a Walmart commercial that made Viri laugh on a loop to keep her smiling and giggling. I definitely didn't wonder if playing a commercial on a loop would Pavlov her daughter into having a weird sense of nostalgia and joy every time she heard the song "Ring My Bell" by Anita Ward. Viri was soon returned to Jade safe and sound. I don't think I'm qualified to babysit still, but we'll always have that special moment together. I'm glad Jade was able to trust me with her precious creation. I've always tried to be there for my friends.

As I reflect on all our memories together and look through pictures to share with her family, it's hard to believe she is gone. She was kind, funny, and strong. She had so much more to live for. But she's gone. How is one supposed to get over the feeling of numbness that washes over you when that happens? How is one to ignore the fact that her daughter will grow up without her mother now? In what world is this okay? It's not fair. The most I can do is remember her and share her family's GoFundMe. It feels like it isn't enough. But not finishing my work and not moving forward won't fix anything. There's nothing I can do to fix this. And it's a miserable feeling.

Rest in peace, Jade. You're not forgotten. You're loved.

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