Red Flags: Me versus Family

As the year comes to a close, I'll be doing a short blog series on red flags I've encountered in the past and what to avoid in the future. This is the third of that series: the me-versus-family dynamic.

Nobody's relationship with their family is perfect, even mine. However, the things I witnessed and experienced with a boyfriend who had an extremely toxic relationship with his own family, especially his mother, has now made me hesitant to date anyone who has a poor relationship with their family and lets that affect their own romantic relationships.

my mother and I at Babe's BBQ.

Why?

Part of this problem, in my opinion, is that we dated when we were teens. Teenagers are not known to have very stable and positive relationships with their parents and sometimes even siblings. If I dated someone who said the same things that my ex said and they were an adult, I would probably keep my distance from them. You either make up and fix things, or you distance yourself from your family in order to keep things civil. If you're suffering emotional, physical, or sexual abuse at the hands of your family and stay despite having a job, money, or other distinct ways out of the relationship, something there is troubling.

While I could have called this flag "mommy issues" or "daddy issues," I feel like these statements themselves have become misunderstood cliches. Everybody has issues, but the issues my ex had with his own family was so bad it negatively affected our long-running relationship. The issue that bothered me the most to the point that it became this week's red flag is that the relationship was bad and the results of him continually seeking their approval led to him ultimately betraying me. Every. Single. Time.

As teens, we made imaginary plans to go to college near a big city and move away for our happily ever after that never came true. As adults, the plans got pushed back, revised, or taken back various times. His family never approved of me despite the fact that I was successful in life while he was struggling constantly. While he pushed back at the beginning of our relationship, saying I was his only reason for living, he sided with them more and more as he got older until it was eventually every time we had a disagreement. Didn't like me drinking? Told his family I was an alcoholic refusing help. Didn't like me moving? Told his family I was abandoning him. Didn't like how his family treated him? Begged to stay with me to hide from them, then went with them anyway once I sounded like the villain.

By the end of everything, his family probably hated me more than in the beginning. I almost don't blame them. The way he talked about me to them and them to me behind our backs set up this me-versus-them dynamic I would never win. I knew things would never quite be right if he continually stayed with them or went back to them like he always did. When I finally called his bluff and moved away, trying to set a path forward for him to escape with me, he didn't come. He chose who he always chose. Because he set up that dynamic, he couldn't happily have both me and his family. It took breaking up for him to fix himself (and fix things with his family, I'll assume).

Versus

I've seen many red flag cliches including mommy issues, daddy issues, or best friend of an opposite sex. My problem isn't the existence of these dynamics, it all comes back to why these dynamic exist. Do they still choose the abuser over the lover? Do they create these me-versus-them fights that can never be won? Do they hide their issues instead of seeking help from a therapist or professional who often deals with these issues? Is my trust in them gone because of repetitive issues like these coming up? If the answer is yes, that's when I know this will need to end and it will most likely end ugly.

Red Flags

I have a feeling that if I had stayed with my ex, I would have suffered this dynamic for the rest of my life. Thank God I had the strength to end things when I did, even if it was late. While this red flag, like my other red flags, takes time to notice and truly understand, it is worth the investigation to make sure I don't end up with someone who continually puts me in the middle of an argument I don't want to be in. While not everybody I date has to have a good relationship with their parents and siblings, I don't plan to argue with them. I plan to just continue being the lover I am and hope that my actions speak louder than words, whether those words are from others in hate or in love.

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