Red Flags: Secrets

As the year comes to a close, I'll be doing a short blog series on red flags I've encountered in the past and what to avoid in the future. This is the first of that series: secrets.

In December 2016, I had just finished my first semester of the Single-Subject Teaching Program at CSUSB. To celebrate, six other program members and I went out to drink and eat dinner on El Paseo. Below is the picture I posted on Facebook of our dinner. Can you tell what's wrong with this picture?

If you can't, that's okay. If you can, I'm not surprised. Once prompted to, I'm sure you can see the vertical line on the 2/3 mark of the photo where I merged the photos. This was a lazy photo edit I created in which I merged two pictures together to crop out the empty margarita glass and the half-full one next to it that I had consumed.

While this isn't a great edit, it probably isn't very noticeable if just scrolling through photos on your Facebook feed. You'd have to click and dissect it a bit. If you're wondering why I even bothered with this photo editing process, it wasn't to make myself or anyone else in the picture look better or make the photo less blurry. It was to hide my drinks from someone specific who would look at my Facebook photos but not wholly dissect them... my then boyfriend, who I am no longer with.

Why?

Even though at the time of this photo, my boyfriend and I had been together for over 4 years, he still had some personal issues he needed to work through. These issues included unfair rules like no alcohol consumption, a longing for a picture-perfect relationship, and undeserved jealousy aimed at other male classmates, co-workers, and friends. This photo edit was an attempt to address his emotional needs. I made sure to sit next to a female friend and hide the alcohol in the picture.

I was 22 years old at the time, making alcohol consumption legal for me. I waited until I was 21 to drink my first alcoholic drinks, too. My boyfriend often stressed that I shouldn't drink. I think he was embarrassed of me drinking for some reason. I wasn't anywhere near alcoholic levels, and I drank less than once per month at the time. He never had to take care of me or see me in a state of alcohol poisoning or excessive drunkenness. I didn't really understand why he didn't want me drinking. We had many fights over whether or not I was drinking, one of the worst ones being at my 22nd birthday party earlier that year where he lied about me having a seizure after consuming 2 shots of vodka.

Truth

After a few months of pointless, baseless fights, I decided that if I was drinking, I would hide it from him and only do it with close friends or colleagues he didn't know every once in a while like for special occasions. One mojito every few weeks wouldn't hurt, and I got to try tasty drinks that I wanted to try. It would be a harmless secret as long as he didn't find out. This photo was the first time I edited a photo to keep a secret from him. If I'm being more honest, my boyfriend's alcohol rules were just the first red flags I noticed about our relationship. I knew it when revising the photo before posting on Facebook, and making sure none of my cohort mates tagged me in unedited photos of that night. To go through such lengths to keep a small secret should have never continued.

As we grew older, the rules and restrictions he made about what I did became more excessive. First, it started with alcohol. Then, medical marijuana. Then, weed in general once it was legalized for recreational consumption in California. Then, even certain medications which he claimed made me difficult to be around and caused unattractive weight gain (my anxiety from PTSD and Depression called for it). In the future, it would even include not hanging out with certain friends he referred to as "whores" or male co-workers and roommates who I barely knew. Towards the end of our relationship, I realized that nothing was safe from his rules regarding me being the "perfect" girlfriend.

Red Flags

If there's a piece of advice I could give my younger self or anyone else in a similar relationship, it'd be to watch out for unfair rules that are made without sound judgment or cause. If you fight over little things like they are big things and conversations become arguments then interventions, your gut will know when things are blown out of proportion. When people lie about little things, they can lie about big things. That's not a good sign. And my own self being drawn to lying and keeping secrets was also not a good sign.

For all the people who won't accept and love you as you are, there are others who will love and accept you as you are. I've found friends who are straight-edge, vegan, vegetarian, and halal who let me eat and drink as I please around them without feelings of guilt. They don't see me as lesser than them for being on a different diet. I also don't force them to eat like me or drink like me when we go out. Unless it is for medical reasons, I find no reason to control or make rules about someone else's food and alcohol habits. Even then, I'd only find it appropriate for doctors and medical professionals to comment on such habits. If your partner is trying to control yours, I say it's time to chuck them out of your life. Adiós.

#IDMD #IDisappointMyDad #Alcohol #drinks #secrets #photoedits #relationships #love #redflags