Reflections from the Former Club President

I was never interested in or involved with student organizations during my time in high school and undergrad. During my master's, I decided to join clubs in hopes of meeting people and making friends. I tried religious organizations, organizations focused on mental health, and even just attending random clubs for free pizza and warm coca cola. When the Mental Health Advisory Board leadership all graduate after my first semester, I became de facto president and couldn't wait to pass it on to somebody with more experience and less time being traumatized during that semester. It was a large lesson in letting go, as the purpose for me joining the club had not been fulfilled and I was stretched thin.

Ironically, within the next school year, the same situation seemed to be evolving in the Lutheran Campus Ministry I was a part of. Being president made me anxious to fill the organization with more members so it could carry on its legacy and not end with me. I had to pretend that being president during Covid times didn't depress me with the lack of event attendees and a retired pastor who just wouldn't seem to let go despite all the trauma he had caused some of the student leaders in the past several years. When I graduated and was finally able to let go of the feeling to keep the ministry running, I thought it would be my last time being a president. I could be free.

However, God saw my plans to step back and laughed. My anger with the lack of representation in graduate programs in the humanities caused me to run for a student council seat that I easily lost because of the amount of inequitable support the running students had from their large science departments or their international organizations. What a fucking scam! Instead, I and a couple other students decided to bring back an English Graduate Organization from the dead. It had died during Covid, but at least it would give us representation and provide me with a CV line.

The first year, I was vice-president and became treasurer when the treasurer quit. This last year, I was president and became treasurer when the master's vice-president quit and the treasurer got promoted to that position. When elections ran this year, I was very vocal about my decision to not run again, and I told the advisor in charge of votes that I would not be accepting any nominations. Instead, I would happily advise new leadership if needed, but I needed to pass on the torch so the club wouldn't die with me like I feared for the Lutheran Campus Ministry. As my final week as president and treasurer begins, I can only say that I feel like a great weight has been lifted off my chest. I'm free.

Most people wouldn't expect someone like me to stay in leadership as long as I did. I have anxiety with almost every email interaction and planned event where I fear I'll be the only attendee. The effort I put forth in creating social media posts feels wasted as many students don't pay attention to the social media accounts. My assumptions remained correct when a faculty member volunteered to host a religious event with the organization, the first event that was meant for just people in the department, and all these lurkers from outside the organization wanted to crash the small gathering. They never expressed interest in the events normally planned. I couldn't help but feel worthless, screaming into the void as everybody in listening distance turned away from me.

Honestly, I'm excited to let go. I know the vice-president who has been promoted to president will do an amazing job. She's more extroverted than me. She cares less about what people think and more about making things happen and work efficiently. She has plans to make it less of a weight on president and more of a shared weight between president and the other leadership. She can do what I can't. And I'm happy for her. While I was president, it felt like a lot of things fell upon my shoulders because others didn't do what they should have. I ran email communications, social media, meeting reminders and agendas; I made RSVPs, sent out fundraising requests, met with student government in order to get funding, and made the program for the upcoming conference; I gave rides to members who needed them, took pictures at events, shared conference opportunities nobody really paid attention to, and offered representation in department meetings. What didn't I do?

But I couldn't do enough for people to pay attention or support me. I would send out email after email scheduling meetings people would drop out of at the last minute. I would send out meeting surveys that nobody filled out, making meetings a pain in the ass to organize. I posted to the void on social media. I encouraged members to attend the fun events we had planned only for some angry students to discourage members from attending due to expenses that they said weren't covered (but were!) and the threat that faculty would see us as not responsible for spending time on things that weren't school work (a threat that didn't truly exist). I even lost a friend who wasn't honest about their hatred for organized events and their jealousy that the vice-presidency was given to a newer student instead of them. I wanted to increase equity and positivity by bringing back the organization. Yet, it always felt as if what I did had insignificant impact.

As I finally get to step away, I think about the position as a thankless one. I did a lot. I hope the impact was great enough for someone other than me. I hope the legacy continues without me there to push involvement. Luckily, I know that despite what people may say or think, I did it with a generous heart. I truly wanted to make a difference, help us feel represented, and make new students feel connected and supported. If none of it happened, at least I got a CV line I guess. Still, I hope for more.

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