Still Praised Abusers

While I'm not the biggest fan of cancel culture, I've recently saw an organization I used to work at praise an ex-leader who I reported for psychological abuse and physical threats to safety. Needless to say, I was less than pleased. It was the action that got me to finally unfollow this organization on all my social media, effectively cutting ties from the organization as the only friend I am in contact with who I associate with the organization never planned to be friendly with the abuser (thanks, man; you know who you are). As a result of my cutting ties, I thought I'd use my blog to talk about abuse, cancel culture, and forgiveness.

Foolish Victim

I should probably start with how this all came to be. To protect people's privacy, I don't plan to distinctly name anyone as we all make mistakes, including supporting abusers (most recently, this is portrayed in pop culture via Katy Perry's newest album work with alleged abuser and producer Dr. Luke). My purpose isn't outing people I've already tried to out as toxic; it's background on the tricky situation of dealing with abusers who still get praised.

I became quick friends with a couple college students who would eventually become my co-workers and roommates. Prior to moving in with them, I was suffering extreme poverty to the fullest as over 65% of my graduate assistant pay went toward rent expenses. I also had a roommate who constantly set things on fire while cooking in the middle of the night. I surrendered my last month of rent to get out of the toxic situation and move in with my new co-workers in spring of 2019.

Before moving in, I heard many negative stories about this leader. Part of why there was a room available for me was because the girl who lived there before me was verbally humiliated during staff meetings to the point that she left. Another friend told me the leader seemed to have issues with a different female worker each semester. Based on his interactions with me at public events, I feared he would chose to pick on me when I moved in. I often spoke up about his conversations that made me uncomfortable at the public events, and he would repeat his mistakes (or was it on purpose?) week after week. However, I thought because I was older and more vocal than the college females the leader was used to working with I would be fine. I needed the cheap housing and prepared for petty battles when I should have expected an all out war.

Seeking Support

My first semester working there, I learned my mistake. I went through the most draining break-up I could imagine, which ended with my ex running away from home and claiming to come find me in Minnesota. He also mentioned knowing what my male roommates (who he was jealous of) looked like, so he could use them to get to me. It was the most scared I ever was of a person in my entire life. This negative experience combined with my Depression and PTSD to put me in a particularly dangerous space and terrified mindset.

Despite my pleas for more safety measures including locked doors during non-business hours, the leader ignored my requests. It almost felt as if he started making the place less safe in order to harass me. It got worse as time moved on. On Thanksgiving, my roommate and I returned to the house with doors not only unlocked, but all wide open. The others were away with their families. While nothing looked stolen, we had to cautiously check every room we could to see if the culprit who left the doors unlocked was waiting inside our home for us. We didn't sleep that night. We eventually found out the leader had visited on that holiday, but he claimed to lock all the doors. His story didn't add up.

After the situation, my roommate and I wrote a strongly-worded email to the board explaining the situation and the emotional torture we went through on a holiday. When the president came to our next staff meeting, my roommate walked out after feeling unheard. I requested a new formal agreement about the safety procedures in the home. I thought that would fix everything. It didn't. My strength disappeared.

The next semester, a new male roommate had to stand up for me and get between me and the leader during staff meetings as the leader would invade my personal space. I was Depressed and he took advantage of it. My male roommate had a meeting with me and the board president. We explained the verbal torture I and the other women had been victim to. I also explained how the leader's lack of boundaries was invading my privacy and making me feel trapped. I was told to hold on until the leader retired in August.

The first board meeting without him, I and several female board members came forward to discuss the inappropriate, vicious behavior the leader exhibited towards board members and female staff. We hoped this would prevent the situation from happening here ever again. Even after he retired, the leader still showed his face. He had months to move his stuff and sent his wife to the location on Thanksgiving (again? really?) to get a music stand, once again showing a lack of boundaries. Another staff member's family filed a restraining order against him. I thought it would finally be the end.

A Hope for New Beginnings

When I moved away, I wanted to still be involved at the organization, which was supposed to be for young adults (the leader was in his grandparent era). I decided to not continue attending their book club after I saw the leader appear in the Zoom room. Recently, the new leader posted on their social media about some funding the toxic leader got for the organization. She praised and thanked him. I felt dizzy. Why was I still seeing his name? Had nothing I or my roommates done mattered? 4 years later and the man was still receiving praise and was still in cahoots with the organization I tried to bargain with for safety. I officially give up.

Especially because this was a Christian organization, I hoped the board members and others in power would help the victims of abuse. I couldn't believe the support the abuser got. No formal punishment while we waited for his retirement. After his retirement, he still showed up where he wasn't wanted. Now, he still gets praised. It is part of the reason why I lack faith in organizations, even churches, now. Those in power remain in power. Nothing you can do or record or file changes it.

I am not a fan of cancel culture. I know people can grow and learn from their mistakes. However, my issue here is that he never showed growth, let alone acknowledge what he did to me and the others was wrong. He never apologized. He just got angrier and angrier. He continued to abuse his power. That's why I think he should be nowhere near the organization or the house or the events. He's still there to fuel his ego while he admits no wrong.

I know forgiveness is key to Christian life. People have told me to forgive him not for his sake, but for mine as he takes up a lot of space in my traumatized brain. Forgiving doesn't mean allowing it to even be remotely possible for this to happen again. Even after all I did, nothing has changed. All my shameful moments of crying out for help did nothing. And I am disgusted.

Now that I'm far away, and have officially cut ties with the organization, I hope to avoid similar problems in the future. I know to avoid difficult people even if I think I can take the heat. It isn't worth it. I am nobody and abusers stay in power. I hope the pain fades into the depths of my brain and I eventually forgive, eventually forget as the organization is no longer my problem. I'm sure the board members see it in the same way.

#IDisappointMyDad #IDMD #post27 #09152024 #StillPraisedAbusers #mentalhealth #abuse #religion #Christian #Lutheran #support #leaving #cancelculture