Structures & Disruptors

Despite having mental diagnoses during my time in undergraduate school, I didn't formally start using university disability services until September 2018, when I experienced my first anxiety attack that had long-lasting physical effects on my body. Though I've had various types of anxiety attacks, both silent and loud, the one I had that month involved temporary loss of eyesight... once it returned, my eyesight felt worse than usual, continually shaky that made it difficult to read at times. When I visited the eye doctor hoping for a cure, I was instead instructed to read less as reading was my job as a grad instructor, my work as a grad student, and my hobby in my free time. I was given a doctor's note to provide my university's disability center in order to get formal accommodations.

While I bargained with instructors in the past when I needed help succeeding in the course due to my mental illnesses, this was a different experience. I had multiple sheets of medical information that the disability center required of me to get help. I also met with a disability specialist to work on finding reasonable accommodations together. Some of the accommodations we came up with were extra time on reading assignments; access to class written materials and powerpoints prior to class; and alternative-access texts that allowed me to adjust font size, style, and color as well as the option for text-to-speech readers at various speeds. It took time to get used to, but I eventually learned to lean on the text-to-speech most; now, I listen to texts at up to 3x speed if the speed goes that fast, which it does on NaturalReader.

As I've needed more and more access to full-length texts in my field (mainly books) for my comprehensive exams and dissertation, I've come against more roadblocks than I was used to during my time in the master's program at my alma mater. When first seeking accessible texts there, I'd show my disability advisor the receipts or checked out books from the library, and they'd be ordered for me on a website where I signed in to access my class texts each semester. This even worked for my independent studies and thesis courses. Now, the process has grown longer, wearier, and more confusing for. me.

Now, my school just has me buy the accessible version of the text if it is on the course syllabus. If it wasn't on the syllabus, I seem to be on my own. The process did not extend to my thesis course this semester at this university. The full texts I wanted were searched at the library and requested from my library or through interlibrary loan in a digital or accessible format. Still, the books continues to arrive in physical form. I asked my disability advisor for help. She requested accessible texts for me with the librarian, but alas, the books were all still in physical format. I even checked with my advisor and department chair, who were told it was about copyright access and the department could order the texts through their librarian. My main hope now is seeing if I can access accessible versions of these texts online somewhere that doesn't cost dozens of dollars I don't have.

When I say that the school doesn't seem to care much or invest in students with disabilities, stuff like this is what I mean. I know I can't expect every student organization event I attend to have food that meets my dietary needs. I can't get angry every time a professor forgets to send my written class documents prior to class. I understand some professors meet requests to participate via Zoom when I'm sick with nervousness that I will not really participate as much as students there in physical form. But accessible versions of texts instead of physical copies at the library seems like a service I more than pay for in fees right? Or would they rather my research be less accurate or inspired by bigger names in the field if I can't read their writing? I pay student fees and have a disability that should allow me access to all these things, but the fees fall short. I feel like I pay my fees and because those fees aren't enough to cover accessible services and products, my fees are wasted giving me access to things I can't access or benefit from as much as other students. Can you really blame me for being mad about that?

The way I see it, the academic structures are in place. I am a disruptor, asking for things to be done in different ways. The differences take extra time, money, or effort, but I have learned I am entitled to them. However, those working within the structures don't follow through with that. They may acknowledge their sorriness or how they wish things were different, but the conversation still ends with I (and others with my disability) am not worth the extra time, money, or effort. I am seen as difficult for asking for that extra time, money, or effort. I have to take the time and effort to jump through hoops by emailing, making appointments, suggesting alternative accommodations, and asking for help only for my efforts to be defeated by those simple reasons.

conference presentation prep

I might be less mad if I didn't know where money goes in the university. Like updates to physical fitness equipment, scientific departments that are not the humanities, or raises for the provost, deans, and other admin. What makes them worth more than me and other disabled students? If it's bringing in money, I literally bring in money by teaching capped out English courses. If I make it in the field of academia when I get my PhD, then I'm another success story they can use to attract new students. I bring in money by paying my student fees and attending school here. Yet my money goes toward things I don't want or can't access fully.

Sometimes I wonder why my current university struggles to support me in ways previous universities did. The answer is simple for me, and until their answer to my support requests changes, my answer will remain the same: students with disabilities like mine are not worth the extra time, money, or effort. Prove me wrong.

#IDMD #IDisappointMyDad #Structures #Disruptors #accessibility #disability #library #interlibraryloan #disabilityservices #college #university