The Exhausted Social Spy

This should be my last semester ever taking coursework. And I'm exhausted. This is my 3rd year in a PhD program, and I'm hoping-- dare I say planning-- to graduate in 2025. Despite my eagerness to complete my research for my dissertation, I am worried I will not be able to get my PhD in just 4 years. I'm worried about burn out and all the other PhD candidates who take years to write their dissertation or drop out as ABD (all but dissertation). As my last semester of coursework passes the midterm point, I'm trying to research ways for me to avoid my fear.

I'm having trouble in this research. Up until this point, I could get good information from texts like Kelsky's The Professor Is In. Now, as I seek more personalized information about how other people in my specific program and college, the research feels more difficult. I don't feel very connected to any of the successful 4-year graduates. I see various co-workers take at least 5 years. My biggest concern is the lack of mentors in my field in my department, which is hiring 2 new professors for the upcoming year. So far, my committee consists of my advisor.

For years, I felt like I was able to succeed by acting like what Caroline Maguire describes as a "social spy." Basically, to feel confident in how I achieve tasks, I would observe other unwary social role models successfully complete the task first. I also informally interviewed people about their tips and tricks to succeed if the topic ever came up in day-to-day conversations in the workplace. I don't feel like this technique is going to effectively get me my answers to the biggest questions about my upcoming comprehensive exams and the dissertation and job-hunting processes. I wish I was a fat pigeon resting on the windowsill, taking in every single step of the process being performed by another student in my program who graduated in just 4 years. Perhaps it'd be easier than continually asking others for advice, others who seem to trust the process.

I feel as if these people don't get it. I'm a first-generation student. With a master's degree, I'm the most educated in my family. I'm also riddled with anxiety from PTSD and Depressive episodes, chronic illness that seems to flare up so badly that I end up in the ER every semester, and neurodivergence that makes me insecure about how I interact with others in professional settings. Maybe if I was different, if I felt successful and positive about my work and various social interactions along the way, I could also trust the process and proceed as normal. I can't. And I can't help but feel like there needs to be a more comprehensive tool box or guide for people like me. Any suggestions?

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