The Silent Privilege Walk

What is a Privilege Walk?

In my teaching credential program in 2017, one of my classes had me and my classmates perform a privilege walk. If you haven't seen the viral video that inspired privilege walks, you can watch it here. Here's how it goes:

1. My classmates and I line up.

2. The instructor explains the rules. She says a statement and a rule. The rule can be to take a certain amount of steps forward or back if the statement applies to us. If the statement doesn't apply to us, we stay where we are.

3. The privilege walk begins. As the statements and rules continue, certain students move farther and farther away, some more behind and some more ahead.

4. When the statements and rules end, we are encouraged to look around. Where are we compared to our classmates, behind or ahead. How does it feel to be in our position? How does it feel seeing certain peers ahead or behind?

5. There's a brief conversation and a writing assignment to reflect on the experience. We reflected on where we stood, how we felt during and after the activity, etc.

The statements are based on privilege and background. Example statements include:

1. Take 2 steps forward if your parents are still married

2. Take 1 step forward if you speak another language fluently

3. Take 2 steps back if someone in your immediate family is struggling with drug or alcohol addiction

4. Take 1 step back if you went hungry or had to skip a meal because there wasn't enough money to pay for food

   
   

The privilege walk is based on white privilege, but questions can reveal other kinds of privilege: ableism, gender discrimination, LGBTA+ discrimination, poverty, etc. This activity can be emotionally difficult because of how publicly it shows our position and expectations of our success rates in society. It's not for those who don't know how to facilitate conversations about difficult issues and often conflicting perspectives.

My Privilege Walk

Back in 2017, I participated in my first privilege walk. As the statements with rules to take steps forward and backward were intertwined, it seemed pretty straight forward in the beginning. However, towards the end of the walk (some 20+ questions deep) I started noticing myself falling farther and farther behind my teacher peers. While in the beginning, I took steps forward and backward calmly and with similar strides. By the end, as I noticed myself falling farther and farther behind, I would sheepishly step backward and every step forward was met with as much energy possible. My steps forward attempted to be small leaps.

Still, it wasn't much of a difference. By the end of the privilege walk, the instructor invited us to look around at where we were in comparison to our classmates. I was the farthest behind by a large margin. All I saw were my "peers" far ahead of me even though I tried taking the biggest steps possible towards the end. The funny thing is that not many of my peers were white. In California, we have a large population of Latino/a/x people. I felt like I was in the normal range. Maybe 4 of my classmates were white. The rest of us were Latino/a/x. The activity was based on white privilege...And yet, a mix of both Latina and white, I was last. How could it be?

In my reflection, I wrote about this alienating experience. I wasn't white enough to benefit from white privilege. I also wasn't Latina enough to benefit from cultural benefits such as bilingualism and travel experiences abroad. I hadn't realized before how disadvantaged I was. Still, I got to the same program my peers were in. I was the first in my family to graduate from college. I got mental help for my mental illnesses. I worked during community college and got several scholarships for achievement that got myself through school without loans. Despite my setbacks, I had succeeded up until that moment in life out of pure will, determination, and spite.

I had always been aware of other peers' better lives than mine; those who had married parents, parents with jobs, houses with their own rooms instead of apartments where I shared a room with my siblings and father. This activity just made me more aware of how disadvantaged I truly was. And that sucks, especially noticing it in front of classmates and peers. That wasn't what I wanted to be known for.

The Silent Privilege Walk

Fast forward about 10 years later to 2025. I'm in a doctor's office, provided with a series of tests. "Click when you hear or see the number 1." "Where were the first Olympics held?" "Make these blocks match the image here." "How do you know he is your boyfriend and not just a friend?" Three hours later, I'm filling out long questionnaires next to my partner, who is filling out the same questionnaires. I make a follow up appointment and leave, confused about what some of the tests were gauging.

The next appointment rolls around and I'm given my test results. Inattentive & Hyperactive (combined type) ADHD, and Level 1 (meaning I require the least amount of support on the spectrum) ASD. The results didn't surprise me much. I don't think neurotypical people feel so ostracized and strange that they find the need to get tested for ADHD and ASD in early adulthood. I did. I've always felt a bit strange and abnormal, usually at the cost of fitting in and succeeding in common adult ventures such as getting stable jobs, making good friendship decisions, and overall, being able to do what is expected of me but not spoken into rules I can follow. It's part of the reason why I made this blog.

Example ADHD Test Score Sheet (not my own results)

While the results didn't surprise me, the scores of the tests that combine to reveal the results did. For ADHD, I took what they said was a 15-minute test of spoken and written numbers that I needed to catch. Those 15 minutes felt like forever. In each of the time fragments after the warm-up, my score was "significantly impaired." There were probably about 10 columns... all but 3 were significantly impaired. Despite my expectation, looking at these results still hurt. As I looked at the scores and listened to the doctors speak, I wondered about the day of the test. Maybe I was really tired because I normally didn't wake up that early. Maybe my eyes hurt. Maybe if I had taken the test under perfect circumstances, I wouldn't have been so impaired.

I know most of life doesn't occur under perfect circumstances, which means the test wasn't as unreliable as I felt it to be. Still, I felt strange looking at the low results. I found my inner mind thinking back to myself during the privilege walk, wondering if bigger leaps would help me catch up to "normal." It didn't. And I think it would have been the same during these tests, but it's hard to still not wonder what I could have done differently to not feel so behind.

I had less of these feelings during the look at my ASD test results. I didn't feel particularly gifted in IQ, which is a subjective measurement of intelligence anyway. Still, my shape, pattern recognition, and math skills were high and my brain was faster than average at solving some of these puzzles. I think those high results made me feel less upset when seeing the low results about my organization, empathy, emotional recognition, and memory. Still, I wondered how much I would have to leap to catch up and seem closer to normal, or at least average.

Despite this feeling of needing to take great bounds to catch up and be at least close to normal being pertinent during testing and the privilege walk, I have felt this need to catch up my entire life. Never quite right. Not quiet enough. Not conversational enough. Not smart enough, but not dumb enough to access accommodations. Not organized enough. Not attentive enough. Never normal.

That's the reason I took these tests in the first place. As I enter my 30s and the job field after graduation, I worry about not fitting in quite right, and my career and personal life failing because of it. Maybe if I got tested, the results wouldn't matter as much as I would be able to access medical and psychiatric care as well as work accommodations that would help me succeed without that constant feeling of needing to overachieve to meet close to normalcy. I can't remember a time where I didn't feel the need to leap, but I wonder if accommodations can help lessen that need. Only time will tell.

#IDMD #IDisappointMyDad #ADHD #ASD #autism #neurodivergence #neurodivergent #privilegewalk #whiteprivilege #access #accessibility #leaps