Disabling Senses: Touch

For the next handful of blog posts, I'm focusing on our senses and how they can be disabling. Each week will focus on one of the five senses (touch, taste, smell, sight, and hearing), and will start with one of my least favorites: touch!

Touch

Touch is something I've struggled with most of my life. I wasn't always aware of what I often experienced was called until adulthood: touch sensitivity. Touch sensitivity can be due to a sensory processing disability or difference and is said to be a symptom in neurodivergent individuals (like those with autism). I have some "icks" where if I feel them, it is very difficult to focus on anything else. Those icks have to do with texture, temperature, and placement according to my body. People with touch sensitivity may have different triggers or causes of sensitive reactions, so mine may or may not align with others'. Let's get into it!

Texture

Texture is way more important to me than other people. It also affects my other senses. For example, my food has to do more than taste good. It also has to be at an appropriate temperature and have the "right" (according to my body) texture. I love a gooey, deep-fried mozzarella stick but can't stomach cold, unmelted (not gooey) cheese. There are certain types of tortilla chips that I can't get enough of or can't stomach because of how much force it takes to make them break or crumble. Meringue cookies and pies have to be done just right for me to finish eating them. I literally once had to send back a lemon meringue pie for not setting for the right amount of time because the texture was wrong. Luckily, my food texture icks can often be foreseen by looking at ingredients, looking up meal photos on Google or Yelp!, and asking if the food is served hot or cold. However, some of my other texture icks are more difficult to see coming or avoid.

Some of my other texture icks are toward textures that other people might love or find luxurious. For example, I can't touch velvet or corduroy. Microfiber cloths also are uncomfortable for me to use. I shop for clothes very carefully and intentionally. I often move through hangers one by one, looking for any textures that might set off my ick. Accidentally touching these textures causes a strong negative physical response in me. I repel from these textures like a vampire being sprinkled with holy water and garlic juice. As a child, when I got clothes with these materials, I suffered and struggled. As an adult, I donate clothes received with these textures and am able to mostly avoid them in stores if I am careful enough.

Sometimes, my icks have a discernible rule they follow, like my love for hot cheese and ick for cold cheese. Sometimes, though, there is no rule, or what was once thought of as a rule has been disproved. My current partner struggles with this because with each ick I reveal to him, the more the rules seem non-existent. There is no pattern to my food icks, according to him. Though this is rooted in temperature and texture, I'll leave more of this discussion for when I focus on taste.

Temperature

Outside of food, temperature is a big struggle for me. I grew up right next to Death Valley. Unpopular opinion: I like it hot. I used to drive with my windows rolled down until it hit 120 degrees because that fresh, dry heat felt good to me. The dripping sweat blended in with the heat so I wouldn't notice it until I went into an air-conditioned building.

Before I moved to the Midwest, I struggled a lot with the cold. At 50 degrees, I would wear gloves and 3 layers of shirts while driving to my job in the morning. As an insomniac, I was told that cooler temperatures would help me sleep. This was unfortunately true during the day rather than at night. In college, I'd go to class in a freezing building after jogging for my running course in the afternoon heat. I was known for bringing a big hoodie and a bright orange blanket with me to class. Sometimes, it was so cold I struggled to stay awake as I wobbled my legs and wrapped myself in my blanket. I'd usually become a curled up ball on a chair, freezing to sleep in my blanket. Thank God my instructor usually offered me opportunities to make up participation by visiting office hours.

This issue became more problematic during work. One summer, I interned at a creative writing conference on my college campus. While the outside was hot and humid, they had the majority of their sessions in the freezing AIRC building. As most of the participants were older women, we got some complaints about the building being too cold. Participants brought blankets, shawls, and jackets with them. I, on the other hand, was to dress professionally and sit by the book stand in case people wanted to purchase speakers' books. With no blazer, I would end up in an all too familiar pose. I'd be curled up in my chair, my head leaning on the table of books and my legs shaking in an attempt to keep me warm and awake. Some other interns tried to shake me awake at times, only to awaken me for brief moments and I gave in to the cold and fell into a deep sleep. As the internship continued, I started bringing jackets and hoodies, to no avail. The cold room and early wake-up calls nudged me into a cold sleep. Needless to say, I was quite embarrassed at the job. The only thing that kept me positive was the fact that other participants complained about the cold, not just me. The cold disabled me... I wonder sometimes if I'll ever be able to work in an office because of how cold they are, usually to meet the temperature needs of men rather than women.

I moved to the Midwest in 2018. People often asked when they heard I was from California, "How are you going to survive the winter!?" My answer has been the same ever since, "It's the same as extreme summer heat: dress appropriately and get to a building with temperature control as soon as possible." Most days, the winter weather doesn't bother me much. It maybe only irritated me when it was -50 degrees with a windchill, during which I could feel each individual nose-hair stiffen and freeze. I'd wear 2, 3, sometimes even 4 layers to keep my body warm.

My temperature problems are often during spring and fall, where the morning temperature is much more different than the temperature of the afternoon. What keeps me warm on cold mornings overheats me in the spring afternoons. Boots worn in the fall mornings become sweaty and moist as the temperature increases with the rising of the sun. Adjusting my clothes to feel okay during both cold morning and warm afternoons takes a mental toll on me as I usually feel gross in sweat as the heat has revealed itself. Yuck.

Placement

There are certain places on my body that are more sensitive than others. I have a hard time wearing jewelry because my wrists and neck are very sensitive to weight, texture, and pressure. Most of my shirts don't have neck tags or their tags have been cut off. When I wear modest clothing that covers my neck, I often find my hand clawing at it, pulling the collar down for most of my day. Those textured t-shirt collars can also feel heavy, with the need for me to pull on it heavy as well. My favorite shirts are low-cut tank tops, spaghetti straps, or tube tops. It's hard for me to find professional clothes that I like because of this ick. During high school, shirts with holes in the shoulders were fashionable. I had one and I almost never wore it because the shoulders were always cold while the rest of me was often hot. It just didn't feel good.

My neck continues to be a nuisance. Kisses on the neck: ruined by the tickles of my partners beard. Neck hickeys: forget about it. Chokers: not an option. Branded t-shirts from my schools and work: damaged by my pulling at the collar. You probably never notice how annoying it is to have a part of your body that is more sensitive than others unless you have such tactile sensory issues. It's a major stressor, especially when it impacts what you can wear and how you look according to cultural or workplace attire standards.

Touch

As you can see, there are multiple factors that go into sensory tactile issues. Texture, temperature, location are all big issues for me. There are also other issues, such as the amount of pressure, type of materials (liquid, cloth, metal, wood), and length of time exposed to touches. Overall, touch can be very disabling both mentally and physically. If you catch me (or anyone else) struggling with their clothes, shopping very intentionally, bundling up to survive a freezing location, or stay away from touch, keep in mind that people have different tactile experiences and we may be struggling with sensory overload just through touch. Trust me, nobody asked for this sensory struggle.

#IDMD #IDisappointMyDad #sensoryissues #sensoryoverload #5senses #touch #temperature #texture #location #pressure