Tracing Gender
- SJ Williamson
- Sep 8, 2024
- 5 min read
Updated: Jul 27, 2025
For those who don't know, I accept all gender pronouns despite being born a female. Why? Partially, because I don't feel super attached to my sex of female. Partially, because I really wish gender wasn't central to identity, mine in particular. To help others understand where I'm coming from, I thought I'd trace my relationship with gender in today's blog post.
The Feminine
Assigned female at birth comes with privileges and constraints. How to dress, how to act, how to be... I've struggles with these socially constructed "rules" that have tried to mold me. Honestly, I'm not sure if I wish I ever learned about feminism as it has shaped me in ways I haven't always been super fond of. When using it as a lens to analyze my experiences, I often feel negative. I don't remember any times where I felt like being viewed as a female was the reason for positive treatment. Instead, whenever bad things happen or I am mistreated, I insert being female as a possible reason for why things don't go well. This includes when students don't respect me, parents don't respect me, doctors don't listen to me, men mistreat me, women gossip about me, or strangers stare at me. I feel like this often, almost daily. I hate it.
As someone with anxiety, I spend a lot of time wondering about why people treat me the way they do. Is it how I look? Is it how I talk? Is it how I act? Is it because I am perceived as feminine? The rabbit hole I'm falling into never seems to have a bottom. I'm constantly in free fall. Femaleness feels like the conclusion for a lot of my questions. An old supervisor called me piquant and asked if that was racist due to stereotype of Latina females being referred to as spicy. Parents of my high school students didn't listen to me or respect my opinions. In church, I was encouraged to cover up for modesty and look forward to motherhood and childbirth, both of which I have never wanted for myself. How could I not feel that my problems are rooted in being perceived as female? It caused me to be at odds with myself.
The Masculine
I also don't feel super connected to masculinity, or at least not toxic masculinity. I was never big on sports, cars, first-person shooter videogames, or other stereotypes growing up. Now, I do enjoy videogames like RPGs, fishing, hunting, and the like. While a lot of these hobbies are assigned a gender to represent, I honestly don't think they should. I just want to do what I like and not be judged for it based on my sex or gender. I also wish people wouldn't assume my sexuality based on my relationship with hobbies, work, or how I look. I've had many a Midwesterner assume I am bisexual or gay for reasons beyond my understanding. I also really don't care to talk about that with people I am not close with; that shouldn't matter to anyone outside of my romantic or sexual partners.
The Sexual
The more I discuss my asexuality with friends, the more I come to understand how deeply sexuality relates to gender and sex relates to it. Being asexual, I'm not really keen on why my sex of gender should matter to people outside of my partners. I've learned about people describing their sexual selves as doms, subs, and switches. I guess each of these sexual roles has different connections to sex, gender, and sexuality. Like how I am in teaching, I like to learn about who I interact with and what they like or need and how I can fulfill those needs. I'm flexible, even if sex doesn't really drive me. I know it drives other people and I am fine working with that as long as it respects my boundaries. This makes me feel even less connected to sex or gender. I just am, and I want respect and love. I can learn how to be what people need me to be... and I can learn when to to be that or when to ignore that based on the people I interact with.
The Visual
One thing I feel privileged for is how I can present myself. I can wear what I want while many males could be mistreated or labelled as cross-dressers if they switched between feminine and masculine clothing styles, hairstyles, and make-up looks like I do. While I wasn't a fan of dresses and skirts as a child, I enjoy them occasionally now. Same with make-up and over the top hairstyles. Other times, I just want to put on a tank top and gym shorts and go about my day. I've also grown tired of bras lately; why should I be considered less professional, good-looking, or whatever if someone can see I have nipples, which pretty much all humans have? I know people perceive me and treat me differently based on how I look, and I know that indeed interacts with sex and gender, even though I wish it didn't.
Final Thoughts
Overall, the intense effects gender and sex have on how society perceives and interacts with me makes me wish that I could always be perceived as gender neutral without negative consequence. I know gender-neutral or intersex people still face negative backlash for not being strictly either/or when it comes to gender and even sex. The rules for each is socially constructed, made up, and different for each context. It's stupid. People should just be allowed to be, regardless of what their body looks like and how they interact with other people and things, which are unfairly connected to gender and sex. The reason why I accept all pronouns instead of just one or two sets is because I feel different connections and misalignments with male, female, neither, or both. I feel in-between. The reason why I use "they" in author bios is because I don't want people's first reactions when they see my name and my work as "what gender are they? what sex are they?" I rather the focus be on my work than gender, sex, or sexuality.
I'd like to end with a disclaimer. While I know what I want isn't likely to happen in the future of American society, it is my wish. A few years ago, I took a class on teaching college writing where a new instructor, who identifies as female and is from Asia, asked the more advanced teachers in the class about confidence in the classroom, which was something she was concerned about due to her status as an international woman of color. Research shows that women do indeed have a more difficult time with gaining student respect or even control in the classroom, and that difficulty increases with women of color, women who have an accent, or women who are small in stature. A male in the class encouraged the woman that it shouldn't matter if they're a woman or person of color as the instructor. I agree; it shouldn't. But it does. And because it does, the teacher should be aware of that.
Like this instance, so is reality outside of the classroom. I wish my sex and gender didn't matter outside the privacy of a bedroom (and maybe just a little during medical surgery/treatment). But it does. I know that what I want isn't true of others' realities and even my own. Hopefully that changes one day. For now, I continue "just being" and hope for the best. I hope this short blog shows you how sex and gender might relate to others differently and why I feel fine accepting all pronouns despite being born a woman. Adios!
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